Leadership and Creating Boundaries

One of the things that I do is talk to my girls and explain to them some of the things that have happened or that are currently happening as far as our relationship dynamics go. This is something you have to be careful with because you have to communicate things to them in a way that they will be receptive to, but it can be done if you keep their emotions in mind while you do it.

Something we were talking about earlier this week was the process of me creating boundaries and then enforcing them for each of the girls and what that did to the quality of life for all three of us. Since it’s Valentine’s Day, this sounds like a good topic to talk about.

The Basic Process for Producing Strong Boundaries

There’s a process that you’re going to go through when you display leadership and create a boundary for a girl, and it’s extremely important that you realize that women need the entire process to satisfy their emotional selves, and it’s not something that they can help. This means that you can’t get emotional yourself over the process. Instead, they need you to be their center so that they can count on you not to give in to them when they are being emotional.

The process starts with you establishing a boundary. Generally, this means that you’ll have them either do something or not do something. I’ll give some specific examples below, but we’ll keep it general for the moment. You can (and probably should) give a brief explanation of why you are setting that boundary, but you shouldn’t call it a boundary because that sounds contrived, and you shouldn’t get into a debate about it.

What’s going to happen next is that she’s going to test that boundary, and you have to hold it in place. If you asked her to do something, she’s going to complain about doing it. If you asked her to not do something, she’s going to complain about not doing it. She’s going to try to skip out on it and not hold up what you asked her to do. All you have to do is show that you’re serious about that boundary being in place without getting emotional about it, and you’ll be in good shape.

I’m going to repeat this because it’s important: You cannot get too emotional with her on this. She needs to test those boundaries and have them reinforced to feel good about the boundary itself and about your leadership. It calms anxieties in her about whether or not you’re a strong enough leader to follow, so just get used to the process.

A Physical Example

Now I’ll give some specific examples. Back when I first started seeing Ginger, I made a joke, and she punched me in the arm. I don’t tolerate that kind of thing, and I told her that was her freebie but not to do that again. This was me setting the boundary.

A few days later, we were in a department store. I made a joke, and she punched me in the arm again. I immediately let her get about a step and a half ahead of me, and I slapped her across the ass about as hard as I could. She jumped and was all like, “What the fuck?” and without getting emotional or defensive, I told her that I’d already told her once that the hitting me shit wasn’t going to fly.

Ginger was used to treating guys like shit, and she didn’t understand why. She felt a little guilty about it, but she also felt compelled to do so, and she didn’t like how she felt when she wasn’t treating them poorly.

The reason she felt compelled to do so is that all women feel compelled to test the leadership of the man they are considering following. Once that leadership is proven (by her testing boundaries and seeing that they’re reinforced), then she can relax a little and trust more in that leadership. Ginger didn’t feel right not treating guys like shit because she’d never had one that set boundaries, enforced them and showed leadership. This is that emotional component I was talking about earlier, and once those anxieties are handled, it’s smoother sailing for both of you.

A Non-Physical Example

I’ll give an example with Lola this time, and this comes from about a year ago or so. Lola works in a store where a lot of the people who work there are family (including herself). Each day for lunch, most of them would order in food from one of the restaurants in town. It’s something that they just always did. I decided to set a boundary that was going to start packing her lunch and taking it to work.

So I got with her, and I told her that I wanted her to start packing her lunch. I made sure she had a lunch container thing she could use that didn’t suck, and I gave her the reasons why she should pack her lunch. For what it’s worth, those reasons were saving money (and I gave her an idea of the amount of money she’d save a week), being able to eat a more healthy lunch, and not feeling guilty about spending money on food when she was low on funds, which was sometimes leading her to not eating lunch at all.

Then she bitched and complained and gave tons of excuses. Without getting emotional or dragged into a debate, I made it clear that this is what I wanted to happen, and I let her know that I knew she knew it was the best thing to do.

One excuse was that she was running late in the morning one day and didn’t have time to pack it. I told her to pack it the night before. This was her testing the boundary.

Another excuse was that she was afraid her coworkers would make fun of her for bringing her lunch. I told her to ask them if they planned on paying for her food so she didn’t have to. This was her testing the boundary.

Pretty soon, she was preparing her lunch for the next day every single night without a problem, and she still does this now. It’s even a point of pride for her to the point that she’s made comments before about other people who work there being dumb for paying that much for lunch everyday.

Overview

If you look at the basic process, it’s easy to understand as a whole. You set a boundary, and she tests it. You hold the boundary, and it gives her emotional comfort. That’s how you lead.

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Managing Two Women For the Long Run

In My Household Explained, I broke down some basic information about how I’m 31/m and live with a 25/f and 20/f, both of which I have relationships with. When people find out about this, the first questions I usually get are about sex, so let’s just go ahead and say that we all get naked around each other so that’s out of the way. What I really want to talk about here is managing both women as a part of a functioning household because it holds a lot of lessons no matter how many women (or lack thereof) you’re dealing with that I think my typical reader will enjoy.

A Focus on the Future

The first thing you have to realize is that I have a huge focus on the future. Everything starts with the vision that I have for us 6-8 years down the road, and every decision that I make centers around what will maximize our chances of reaching our goals for that point in time to fulfill that vision. This includes a rough timeline that’s subject to change as needed, but the basic ideas always stay the same.

So if I break down that vision, it’s something like the following. Ginger and I are married, and Lola lives with us in what will be either our permanent residence or the place we’re at right before we move into our permanent residence. Both of the girls either have jobs that pay well that they enjoy, they have their own business that they’re running, or they’re working for me as a part of my business. I want to have transitioned from the full-time writing business to building and managing web properties full-time, and I have all kinds of ideas about what I want for our permanent residence that aren’t all that important for our purposes here. Both of them are in excellent shape and look hot as fuck, they’re both extremely happy, and we all have a lot of sex with each other.

The Vision as a Guide

If we start with that vision, and if we want everything to be geared towards achieving that vision, then a lot of decisions in the present become easier and our goals for the short-term become pretty easy to define. For example, I have both girls hitting the gym three times each week, and if I need to, then I pay for gym memberships, personal trainers, shoes, clothes and whatever else needs to be paid for to make this happen.

In the long-term, this will help us to achieve aspects of the vision I outlined above related to how they look, how they feel about themselves and how much sex we’re all having. The confidence they get from not letting themselves go as they approach 30 (like most women seem to do) will help them in their jobs, business and everything else they do, which in turn will also help their mental health.

For another example of how this vision works as a guide, I clearly need both girls to have a skill set that allows them to be employed in something they care about. For Lola, for example, she really enjoys graphic design, Photoshop and photography. Along these lines, I’m going to make sure she gets her ass through school for something like a graphic design program, and I’ve been encouraging her for more than a year to put a lot of work into learning Photoshop on her own through huge tutorial series and other online instructional material. She’s taken advantage of the opportunities that have been put in front of her in a major way, and she’s well on her way to either being a valued employee or working for herself.

There’s a lot more that goes into this, but I just wanted to introduce the idea of the vision, how that shapes how I handle these girls and what goes into it. I’ll get more into how I handle the day-to-day situations that come up in a future post.

My Household Explained

It’s probably worth discussing my own household here to some degree, especially since this is going to be my blog and all, and I like to use examples from my own life.

The Three of Us

At the time of this writing, I’m 31 years old, and I live in rural North Carolina. I live with two girls, who I’ll affectionately call Ginger and Lola for the purposes of this blog. I got those names by looking up the most popular stripper names and picked out two that kind of fit. Kind of. I personally think it’s hilarious, but I promise that they both have much more normal, typical “white girl” names.

Ginger is 25, and she’s a short, thick (but not fat) redhead. I’ll be getting married to her if nothing gets too crazy, and I’ve been with her for a little over 3.5 years with her living with me for a little over two of that.

Lola is 20, and she’s a tall, thick (but not fat) dark brunette. She’s planning to stay with us over the particularly long term, and Ginger and I generally introduce her as our girlfriend. I’ve known her for almost three years, and she’s lived with Ginger and I for almost a year and a half.

Both of them are pretty much love the shit out of myself and each other so much that they can’t stand it. I’ll most likely talk a lot more about this in the future.

How the Household Runs

I’m very clearly the head of the household. If you want to get into all kinds of complicated terminology, then some people would call us an example of patriarchal polyamory in the form of a closed triad. The closed part means that we don’t have sex with anyone outside of the three of us. However, I don’t like to use the polyamorous label because there are connotations of everyone just having sex with whoever they feel like it whenever they want to, inside or outside of the household, and that’s not the case. Some “poly” folks will even claim it’s not “real polyamory” if you don’t do that, and though they’re wrong, I just prefer to avoid the whole shitshow.

I’m a self-employed writer and do most of the work and pay the bills of the household like the rent, power, Internet, etc. Each of the girls works and pays their own individual bills like their car insurance and cell phone. Ginger is currently in school, and I’m going to be putting Lola’s ass into school this coming fall.

I think that pretty much covers the basics of my household and how it runs. If I think of anything else that should be added here, I’ll post it up.

So I’m Posting Again…

It’s been years since I’ve posted here. I stumbled across this whole thing and saw that I had well over 600 people following me. I’ve also been considering getting back into the whole “blogging” thing again, so I figure I might as well go back to my adoring fan base, many of which have sent me emails, comments, Tweets and other communications over the years wanting me to come back. I guess I owe these people some sort of explanation about what’s went on with me, the other site I had going and what things are like for me now.

Why I Switched Sites

I originally switched over to a different website so that I had more control over my content, placing ads, etc. I had sold advertising directly to a couple of people, but I was having problems with that on the WordPress domain. One of them decided to stop paying me after a couple of months, and one of them went out of business within six months, so that was kind of a flop. I was pretty burnt out on writing about the things I was writing about, and I had a lot going on in my life, so I decided to stop, and the sites sat there for a while (somewhere in the range of 12-18 months after that).

Eventually I took the sites down completely because I didn’t want something I’d said that would “offend” someone eventually come back to bite me in the ass, especially since I hadn’t really put a lot of effort into keeping this blog and my personal life separate.

What Has Changed

I’m in a position in my life now where my desire to help people is back up, largely because I’ve taken better care of myself and dealt with a lot to get in a much more established and stable personal situation as far as moving, getting my business running on a higher level, etc. In addition to that, I’m at a point where I don’t really care if someone knows about my personal beliefs because it can’t really affect me all that much now if someone gets “offended” and decides to drag my name through the mud for some reason.

Plans for the Blog

My plan is to continue writing about the same sort of thing that my readers seemed to really enjoy and to not care so much about monetizing anything or taking it in that direction. I just want to use this as a vehicle to help people with their relationships and personal lives without feeding them the same load of crap that made them miserable in the first place.