How to Get Out of the Friend Zone

Make sure that you read What Alpha and Beta Really Mean and the Introduction to Hypergamy in Women before you start into this post. We’re going to build on those here.

What is the Friend Zone?

The friend zone is really simple to understand. A man likes a woman, wants to fuck her and have a romantic relationship with her while the same woman likes the guy but does not want to fuck him or have a romantic relationship with him. The characteristic dynamic is that the man believes if he keeps showing her how he’s such a great guy (by being a great friend), then eventually she’ll want the romantic relationship.

The fundamental problem of the friend zone is one of having too much beta without enough alpha. If she’s not attracted (ie: if you don’t display enough alpha), then she’s not going to want to fuck you, and that means you have no chance of having a healthy romantic relationship with her.

How to Get Out of the Friend Zone

If you’re already in the friend zone, the best thing you can do is withdraw your time from the woman while improving yourself. Don’t wave it around in her face, and don’t say shit about it. Just stop being around her quite as much (taper it off a bit if you don’t want to just cut her off completely) so that you can naturally lower the level of beta that you’re dishing out. Stop being as available, but don’t be an asshole to her. Being an actual asshole isn’t alpha; it’s just being an asshole, and we’ll go into the difference in later posts.

While you’re doing this, you need to build up your alpha traits. You need to learn to talk to girls and flirt, and you need to make sure you have enough going on in your life that shows you have some value. You don’t rub any of this in her face or even really bring it up. Instead, you just let it happen naturally.

After a couple of months, you start talking to her again, and you don’t talk to her to try to be her friend. Instead, you try to talk to her like you want to bang her or be in a relationship with her or whatever your goal is. If you would have done this in the first place, then you wouldn’t have had this problem, but the past two paragraphs are letting you get back around to this point (which you can’t do right away if you’re already in the middle of it).

If she goes for it, then great. If not, then no big deal. There are a lot of pretty girls on the pretty girl tree. You just go out and find you one of those. But what you don’t do is sit around being her friend aka being held hostage against your will.

And if she says something about how she just wants to be friends, you respectfully tell her that you appreciate that, but you aren’t friends with girls, you date girls. If she doesn’t want that, that’s cool, but you’re going to find girls who do.

Introduction to Hypergamy in Women

Hypergamy in women is an important topic for men who want to get better at dealing with women, but it’s also important for women who want to understand their own feelings and behavior and the feelings and behavior of other women around them. In its most basic form, hypergamy dictates that women are sexually attracted to men who are better than them and are sexually repulsed by men who are worse than them.

What’s Better or Worse?

Immediately, this gets into the topic of what really means better and what really means worse, but if you think of it as a general concept instead of trying to pin it down as something super specific, it’s much easier to use. For example, it’s been more than established that women tend to prefer men who are taller than them, older than them and make more money than them. They actively look down on men who are shorter, younger or make less money than them. While neither of these three are a death sentence to a relationship or seduction in general, it will definitely reflect an obstacle that has to be overcome.

The Relationship to Alpha and Beta

In What Alpha and Beta Really Mean, we talked about how masculine traits are what we identify as alpha, and beta traits are what we identify as beta. Generally speaking, you need to be more masculine than she is in the relationship. That doesn’t mean smacking her across the head just because you feel like it or something stupid like that. Instead, it means showing leadership and being someone she wants to follow just because you’re better than her.

The Alpha/Beta Values and the Gap

If we’re thinking a little abstractly, suppose a man is an 6, and a woman is a 5. He’s better than her, and she’s going to love that, but he’s not so much better than her that she doesn’t feel like she has a chance. You can sort of think of his score as being the amount of alpha he has going on, and you can sort of think of her score as how good-looking she is, combined with a few other things like her age, disposition and miscellaneous factors.

Now, suppose he’s an 8 instead, and she’s a 5. There’s a larger gap there, and it’s important to realize that the larger this gap is, the more insecure she’s going to be in the relationship or courting/seduction process. The larger the gap, the more beta you have to present to keep her feeling comfortable enough to not run for the hills for a safer option.

This introduces two important ideas:

  1. You can be too alpha (attractive) and drive a woman off if you don’t provide enough beta (comfort).
  2. Your job as a guy in a relationship is to be cooler than the woman, but make her feel like she doesn’t have to feel super insecure about it.

It’s a really easy idea to understand and apply once you accept it, and it’s ridiculously effective at keeping a relationship going smoothly.

Back to Hypergamy

So what all of this means is that a man has to be better than the woman he’s trying to have some kind of relationship with (even if it’s just banging her and leaving). However, the man can’t be so much better than her that it makes her insecure about her ability to keep him, because then she’ll leave him over how insecure and emotionally unsatisfied it leaves her (ie: not enough beta).

With that having been said, you hear situations all the time of a man feeling stuck in a marriage with a woman who isn’t interested in sex with him, and she’ll often go and cheat on him in this type of situation (proving that she’s still interested in sex, just not with her husband). The bottom line is that there’s not enough alpha being expressed, so she thinks that she’s better than the dude, and there’s simply nothing going to happen in terms of her being attracted or being really into sex until that’s corrected.

What Alpha and Beta Really Mean

Over the past few years, there’s been sort of a bastardization of the terms “alpha” and “beta” that have created a situation where almost anyone who uses them is instantly thought to be a douchebag. I’m going to use these terms here to mean very specific things, and I’m going to outline the meaning of the terms here. It comes down to three key principles: Alpha is attraction, beta is comfort, and both can be done either well or poorly.

Alpha is Attraction

Anything that makes a girl want to fuck you is alpha. Showing leadership, not taking bullshit off of her and having charisma are all alpha behaviors. For the vast majority of men (virtually all men) who have problems either getting girls or getting sex in an already established relationship, the issue is that there’s not enough alpha being presented. There are a ton of different options you have for displaying alpha behavior, but they almost always come down to these basic things.

Generally speaking, anything traditionally masculine is alpha.

Beta is Comfort

Anything that makes a girl comfortable or soothes her emotionally is beta. Getting most gifts (flowers being a common example), providing emotional support and complimenting a woman are all examples of beta behavior. Most guys who have trouble with women don’t really have trouble coming up with ideas for beta shit to do. Beta is not inherently bad (like it’s often used in slang), but it won’t get you laid by itself.

Generally speaking, anything traditionally feminine is beta.

Good and Bad Versions of Both Exist

Let’s say you’re married, and your wife’s feet hurt after a long day of work. Telling her to stick her feet in your lap to rub them can be a great display of beta. However, if she tells you that you’re rubbing her feet and just expects you to do it, then bitches you out when you want to finish what you were doing first, then it can be an example of bad beta if you just roll over and do what she said.

Likewise, if a guy is hitting on your wife, and you walk up and semi-gently smack her on the ass like you didn’t know the guy was there, that can be good alpha. If you get between them and act like a major jackass and try to tell the guy off or something, then that can be bad alpha.

Generally speaking, good alpha and good beta come from a position of strength, but bad alpha and bad beta come from a position of weakness.

The Alpha and Beta Mix

To have a successful relationship with a woman, you need both alpha and beta in the situation. However, you need more alpha than beta. If you want to think of it abstractly, then a mix of something like 3 parts alpha for every 2 parts beta is probably sufficient.

The Basic Truths

The Basic Truths is a category that I’m going to have here that centers around the fundamental tenets of how I think about relationships, sex, managing a household and so on and so forth. It’s not very PC, but it’s effective, and it requires dealing with some lines of thought that can be uncomfortable, especially if you’ve been brought up to believe things like men and women are equal while simultaneously believing that a man should never hit a woman. In short, if you’re not capable of critical thinking, then you’re not really going to make it.

How I Present Information

I tend to present information in a format that goes back to when I taught math. First, I’ll introduce the basic idea and talk a little bit about the theory aspect of it and how it relates to other ideas. Second, I’ll give examples of the idea in action. Third, I’ll open the floor for thoughts, questions and personal anecdotes in the comments section of the post. It’s a pretty straightforward process, and it seems to work out pretty well for everyone involved.

I’ll try to link back to relevant concepts when I can, but it’s kind of hard to do once things start getting built up a lot. Because of this, I’ll probably make a sitemap type of listing of the posts and everything once the amount of content calls for it. I’m going to do this since I want to make things as accessible as possible for people so that they can see the full development of what I’m talking about.